Jul 20th, 2013
2013/7/3
As I walked out of Ward 11 that night, I had a strong feeling it’ll be the last time I ‘d see her.
Though under heavy doses of Morphine and sleeping pills,
she was still able to call out my name, “ah Mian” (her own distinct way of pronouncing my english name Wayne.)
She responded to my words, even in her semi consciousness state.
“Who am I?＂
“Ah Mian “
＂Can you hear me?＂
＂Yes “
＂Ah Ma, say something?＂
＂What do you want me to say？＂
I thought for a moment, then said,
＂Am I handsome？＂
＂Yes, handsome＂
I kept my questions lifestyle, short and jovial, as if it were on a normal day, because I wanted her to know that I saw her not as a late stage liver cancer patient, but even at that time, she was still the jovial, confident, sensitive, loving and strong Ah Ma I knew since I was born.
We had to lift her up from her lying position to a sitting posture, as she was crying out “hot” every 10 minutes. I knew it wasn’t the physical heat she was referring to, but the discomfort and unexplainable restlessness inside her body. But all we could do was try our very best to make her feel better.
I knew Ah Ma well. She never complained of her condition. Last month during my visit, I asked her if she was feeling better, she replied,
“I’m getting old, that’s all.”
She took life as it came, but she never resigned to her fate. She fought, and fought hard. At home, she would always insist on walking to the toilet by herself without assistance.
She doted on me and my brother when we were still kids. Every Chinese New Year, we would look forward to visiting Ah Ma, because her Ang Paos were always the largest. And when I was even younger, she would always carry me onto her laps and teach me how to be a better person.
“You have to listen to mum always, ok? “
After I started my career as JJ Lin, she would paste newspaper cuttings and posters on the walls and doors of her home, and wait patiently for me to return to Singapore to sign on them. She supported me as a fan would support her idol.
Every concert, besides mum and dad and my brother, I would always be looking for Ah Ma sitting in the front row.
She rooted for me all my life. In return, I promise I will fight for her and myself by living her example, and being the best person I can be, to shine for my family.
Thank you Ah Ma, for all these years of love and support. I love you, and I miss you very much…
2013/7/3
步出11號病房的那天晚上，我有種強烈的預感，這將是我們最後一次見面。
即便在重劑量的嗎啡和安眠藥催化下，她依然能夠呼喚我，＂阿靦＂（她稱呼我英文名，Wayne，的特殊方式）。半清醒的狀態下，她回應了我：
＂我是誰？＂
＂阿靦＂
＂你有聽到我講話嗎？＂
＂有＂
＂阿嬤跟我說說話吧？＂
＂你要我說什麼？＂
我想一想，然後問
＂我帥嗎？＂
＂帥＂
我用簡短的措辭，盡量把對話生活化，就像平時聊天一樣。我想讓她知道當下我待她並非末期肝癌病患，而是打從我出生就認識的阿嬤：開朗、細心、充滿愛心、自信且堅強。
她每10分鐘就喊＂熱＂，我們必需時不時把臥床的她扶起來坐著。其實我知道她指的不是生理上的＂熱＂，而是體內莫名的不適與不安。而我們能做的，也只能盡力讓她舒適些。
我很了解阿嬤，對於自己的狀況，她從來沒有怨言。上個月我回來探訪時問她是否好些，她說：＂人老了就是這樣＂。她接受生活給予的一切，但並不屈就於命運。她奮鬥著。極力奮鬥著。即使行動不便，她在家裡仍堅持不需挽扶，自行如廁。
自小，阿嬤對哥哥和我甚是寵愛。每年過年，我們總是最期待阿嬤的紅包，因為她給我們的一定是最豐厚的。年幼時，她經常抱我在大腿上教導我要成為更好的人：”你要聽媽咪的話，知道嗎？＂
出道成為JJ林俊傑之後，阿嬤會在家的門牆上貼滿她收集的剪報和海報 ，耐心地等我回新加坡簽名留念。如同忠實歌迷般地給予我最大的支持。
每次演唱會，除了爸爸媽媽和哥哥外，我也最期待阿嬤一同坐在第一排看我演出。
阿嬤一直都守護著我的人生。為了她，為了自己，我要效仿她的奮鬥精神，把自己做到最好，為家人爭光！
谢谢你奶奶，谢谢你这些年的照顾和支持， 我永远爱你，
我好想你。。。
23 Comments | Post by JJ
23 responses to “I Love You Grandma. / 奶奶我爱你。”
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別太難過！要堅強！OK?
Ah Ma’s inner strengths were strong. Keep what you had learnt from her and keep shining~
好伟大的阿嬷，所以，阿嬷在天堂一定很想再看到你的笑容，因为你那阳光的笑容里也有她给你的正能量！她会继续守护你，为你加油的！
Your grandma is such a strong and loving woman who gives her heart to her family. She has moulded you into who you are today through her example and love and support. I know you must miss her dearly. Praying that the Lord will comfort you during this difficult time. Love you, JJ! *hugs* Your grandma will be watching over you from heaven. Remember her smile and know that she is so proud of her grandson. <3
人生就是这样，不要太伤心了，其实在我们心里他们从未离开过…….
只要心里有那些逝去的亲人，他们就从未离开过…..
不知道怎么安慰你。因为任何人再怎么安慰心都还是会痛吧。如果是我我肯定也没办法接受。。但是奶奶肯定希望自己的孙子要开心幸福的生活下去。。所以老林，加油哈。。
JJ,加油！你要勇敢！
Sometimes I miss my late grandparents too, and I didn’t even meet them often when they were still around. I don’t dare imagine what you must be going through.
I know I don’t have the rights to ask you to “be strong, hold your head up high, and do not cry” at this moment, because sometimes it is okay to just break down at times when it really is unbearable. I know you will stand up once again, and be that man I’ve always looked to to find my strength to carry on, but for now, let me, let us, be your strength, for a change. I’ll always be here, even if you have never met me, I promise. (:
Your grandma is, and will always be very proud of you, JJ.
And she’ll always be in your heart. <3
(:
你一定要知道 阿嬤从未离开过你 亲爱的 她在天上看着你啊 每场演出她都会到 她再也不会痛苦了 她再也不会被病痛折磨了 她以后都是幸福的 而你 也要在她的注视下好好的过
RELAX,everything will be ok
JJ,從字裡行間可以感受到你對阿嬤的愛,我知道她對你很重要,看到照片時,我真的有種莫名的感動,你對阿嬤的思念,我相信在天上的她也會知道的,JJ,不要太難過,因為至少阿嬤此後不再受病痛的折磨,我相信她在天堂也會過得開心,且會默默地守護你…說真的,我很抱歉不知道該怎麼安慰你,或讓你心裡好過一些,但月有陰時圓缺,人有悲歡離合,卻是亙古不變的,我希望你能把阿嬤對你的好,都牢牢記在心中,但對於那種失去,不要太過悲傷,阿嬤也不會想看到你太難過的,加油,歌迷永遠是你的後盾,如果你需要我們,我們隨時都在…You are the best!You are Ah Ma’s proud!
不知道說些什麽會讓你好受一些，阿嬤并沒有離開，她還是會看著你好好的生活、工作，一如往常。演唱會第一排沒有了阿嬤但還是會有我們這群小歌迷繼續為你大聲呐喊助威，要堅強哦~你永遠是家人和歌迷的心頭肉，大家都不想看到你繼續傷心下去:) 加油！
Cheer up! I’ll always be with you！
看到最后真的看不下去了T T俊杰你要加油 阿嬷只是换一种方式守护你 你一直会是她的骄傲 我们也会一直陪着你!!加油!!!!
嗯。。。如果真的难受。。。就找个没人的地方大哭一场吧。。。无需遮掩，然后以最阳光的心迎接明天。。。加油，不要憋在心里，她会一直在你身边。
unique grandma，unique memory for you..we know..
节哀，林奶奶这么可爱一定会在天堂快乐的生活，她会像天使一样守护着你，加油。
JJ，阿嬷一定会在美丽的天堂好好的为你祈福守护着你的！所以你不要悲伤，更加精神，好好面对未来的挑战！加油！！！
這兩天 看到你開始工作
能看見你又重拾笑容是一件開心的事情
聽你在林距離跟我們道晚安
看見微薄上可愛帥氣的照片
讓我放心了好多
接下來你工作滿檔耶
但我們永遠都在你身旁
奶奶會一直陪你的
唱首歌寫首歌送給奶奶吧
他會感受到你的愛 無限的愛
我信佛
但是所有的信仰都有一个一样 人死后会得到永生 好人将上天堂 而恶人必将下狱
你一直都是你自己 是阿嬷的好孙子
好好走下去努力下去 她会比我们这些歌迷更加欣慰与自豪你的每一次成功与努力
Strong, admirable and loving Ah Ma.. Wish I had the chance to meet you.
My dad’s parents passed away before I was born, so did my mom’s dad. We only have our maternal grandmother from the that generation with us now, she didn’t bring us up, but she’s a strong woman too, getting older as the years pass by.. Maybe call her up one of these days just to talk and hear her voice.
🥺